Monday, February 28, 2022

The Reptile Gets Outsmarted

No second guessing here. I'm at the third stage of the porn addiction cycle. Last time I relapsed? Forty nine days ago. I spiked on four days of dopamine rush to the max.  Feeling despair after each hit, I repeated the acting out, to relieve the very despair I had created.

That was Stage One, and then next, Stage Two. Remorse, regret and lethargy. Lack of drive. Hopelessness. The big question resounds inside:  "How could I do what I want most of all not to do?!" Slowly, hope revives and with it return to exercise, meditation, prayer, evaluative thinking practice and the reading of uplifting books. Those ingredients that coagulate and synthesis the re-wiring of the brain biology.

However, dear reader, the lizard exists inside and it is reptilian. I can't reason with it, but I can outsmart it. Still, the beast is wanting to continue the cycle, and I am now at the Third Stage of that cycle. 

I find that sex connect passion in the eyes of beautiful women. I'm watching the snap dance videos with the young women in hot pants. I'm imagining getting that quasi- sexual massage from my woman friend who I lust after.

How in the name of God does a man restrain himself? I have sworn to not have sex with any woman with whom I am not in a committed relationship. The committment is integral to the SPAA (Sex and Porn Addicts Anonymous) definition of porn abstinence. Truth be said, seems to me anyway, the longer the interval between ejaculation, the greater the building up of that desire. 

So, today I ask myself...What am I going to do to break the cycle, to snap it apart? The answer arrives. Accept the urge. Do not resist the urge because resisting only increases the urge. 

And harness that urge to create and to transform and to heal. Tap into the sexuality of being that rests at peace in the hands of the Creator. And feel love for the self, take kind care of the self, set boundaries to protect the self against contamination of the toxic. 

I'm going to slip again. The slip will be reported here. And I will analyze the event like a scientist, in order to learn from the mistake and arrive at remedies to apply while I rewire my brain's biology. 

I committ to doing, and to not doing what is in this blog post, in order to combine my enormous sexual drive with the limitless power of the Holy Spirit. 

I offer this link about transmutation, as well. 

Also, it needs be said, until I began to implement the procedures taught by this man and his assistants, the crucial hope, the absolutely essential sense of confidence that I am a winner and can liberate myself from pornography enslavement...I just did not have it.   

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