Me Speaking

No second guessing here. I'm at the third stage of the porn addiction cycle. Last time I relapsed? Forty nine days ago. I spiked on four days of dopamine rush to the max.  Feeling despair after each hit, I repeated the acting out, to relieve the very despair I had created. That was Stage One, and then next, Stage Two. Remorse, regret and lethargy. Lack of drive. Hopelessness. The big question resounds inside:  "How could I do what I want most of all not to do?!" Slowly, hope revives and with it return to exercise, meditation, prayer, evaluative thinking practice and the reading of uplifting books. Those ingredients that coagulate and synthesis the re-wiring of the brain biology. However, dear reader, the lizard exists inside and it is reptilian. I can't reason with it, but I can outsmart it. Still, the beast is wanting to continue the cycle, and I am now at the Third Stage of that cycle.  I find that sex connect passion in the eyes of beautiful women. I'm watching...

  The mentor asserts that only uncommon men end their porn addictions. I believe the assertion. God knows. The depth, the weight, the integration of the addiction into my biology, decade after decade so much so that one could truthfully say that I lived to porn and masturbate. God knows how many porn quitting programs I have tried unsuccessfully. God understands why, at times, the feeling of despairing sentiment that this enslavement to the addiction is permanently glued onto my soul. Yet, if others have escaped…if others are escaping…if others with dependencies no less grave than   mine are shaking themselves free, I can! I not only can, I am. The acting out that three years ago was normally two times a day is these days normally two times every three months. The red scars and painful disfigurements on the organ have almost all been healed. I would not and still cannot have achieved these landmarks of hope giving accomplishment without the ongoing support and brot...