The Reptile Gets Outsmarted

No second guessing here. I'm at the third stage of the porn addiction cycle. Last time I relapsed? Forty nine days ago. I spiked on four days of dopamine rush to the max.  Feeling despair after each hit, I repeated the acting out, to relieve the very despair I had created.

That was Stage One, and then next, Stage Two. Remorse, regret and lethargy. Lack of drive. Hopelessness. The big question resounds inside:  "How could I do what I want most of all not to do?!" Slowly, hope revives and with it return to exercise, meditation, prayer, evaluative thinking practice and the reading of uplifting books. Those ingredients that coagulate and synthesis the re-wiring of the brain biology.

However, dear reader, the lizard exists inside and it is reptilian. I can't reason with it, but I can outsmart it. Still, the beast is wanting to continue the cycle, and I am now at the Third Stage of that cycle. 

I find that sex connect passion in the eyes of beautiful women. I'm watching the snap dance videos with the young women in hot pants. I'm imagining getting that quasi- sexual massage from my woman friend who I lust after.

How in the name of God does a man restrain himself? I have sworn to not have sex with any woman with whom I am not in a committed relationship. The committment is integral to the SPAA (Sex and Porn Addicts Anonymous) definition of porn abstinence. Truth be said, seems to me anyway, the longer the interval between ejaculation, the greater the building up of that desire. 

So, today I ask myself...What am I going to do to break the cycle, to snap it apart? The answer arrives. Accept the urge. Do not resist the urge because resisting only increases the urge. 

And harness that urge to create and to transform and to heal. Tap into the sexuality of being that rests at peace in the hands of the Creator. And feel love for the self, take kind care of the self, set boundaries to protect the self against contamination of the toxic. 

I'm going to slip again. The slip will be reported here. And I will analyze the event like a scientist, in order to learn from the mistake and arrive at remedies to apply while I rewire my brain's biology. 

I committ to doing, and to not doing what is in this blog post, in order to combine my enormous sexual drive with the limitless power of the Holy Spirit. 

I offer this link about transmutation, as well. 

Also, it needs be said, until I began to implement the procedures taught by this man and his assistants, the crucial hope, the absolutely essential sense of confidence that I am a winner and can liberate myself from pornography enslavement...I just did not have it.   

You and me make One

 

The mentor asserts that only uncommon men end their porn addictions.

I believe the assertion.

God knows. The depth, the weight, the integration of the addiction into my biology, decade after decade so much so that one could truthfully say that I lived to porn and masturbate. God knows how many porn quitting programs I have tried unsuccessfully. God understands why, at times, the feeling of despairing sentiment that this enslavement to the addiction is permanently glued onto my soul.

Yet, if others have escaped…if others are escaping…if others with dependencies no less grave than  mine are shaking themselves free, I can!

I not only can, I am. The acting out that three years ago was normally two times a day is these days normally two times every three months.

The red scars and painful disfigurements on the organ have almost all been healed.

I would not and still cannot have achieved these landmarks of hope giving accomplishment without the ongoing support and brotherhood of other men enlisted with me on the same team going forward on this journey.

It is a journey into an unknown, finding a new being that was always that being meant to be by the Creator of beings.

But onto details.

The structure is organized. The 2022-year goals are established.

The milestones towards these goals are printed out. I will be able to view and assess my progress.

During each day, I work towards the achievement of these goals. The money earning and saving goal, the Spanish language speaking goal and the publication of the third book of poetry goal are these three main goals.

But no sir and no mam, your writer does not work at these first!

He work first at the morning routine, first at the exercise, first at the visualization and meditation, first at the evaluative thinking practice. He works first at the reading of books meant to aid porn addicts end what is this unhealthy coping behavior.

Do you know what then happens? The energy and the drive and the passion that spawns forth from within as a result of putting first things first also engenders the drive to accomplishment of the secondary and material goals.

Experience is all the confirmation needed.