Friday, January 28, 2022

Akin to a Napoleonic Truth


Been finding that the System holds water. Been finding the brothers are dead serious about navigating the currents, the ebb and flow of the river that leads to regenerated life.

That I too can fly like an eagle, that the pain of the wound feeling unendurable I can endure. I did not go mad when the manic upheaval was prompting to that escape. I gripped the marble of the lars god and held tight for the dear and sweet savor of life.

I am a porn addict. My addiction thrives in the dark, and I am done with it.

In the writing of these posts, I cast the light that exposes what needs and wants the secrecy. Without the secrecy, the addiction cannot do what it lives to do.

Dear reader, please, read no further if your sensibilities might feel offended by the explicitness that adherence to honesty requires. I will slip. I will relapse and I will report in these posts when I have slipped and when I have relapsed.

I will analyze to the best ability what contributed, where I was taking mistaken steps, what weaknesses of character were aiding and abetting. And each time I fall, I will arise stronger than before, more educated, more savvy about the red flags and mirages in the desert that are just not real.

I am 72 years old. I have been habitually masturbating to pornography for 50 years.  I got to be frank about this to you.

I am not only a sex and porn addict. I am also a food addict, a drug addict, and an alcoholic. And this addiction to pornography has by hand over fist been fifty times the rascal to arrest and throw into jail than the other three.

I intend to keep on writing in this vein twice a month until the day comes when the monster of lies has evaporated into nothing. Until, to put it the way the mentor put it…. the child just no longer wets his bed.

I found out something fairly recently. Experienced its truth. The call of that huffing and puffing titillation of craving for the dopamine release of an ejaculation was front and center, and I was wavering. But this time, I did not resist its power. I welcomed its power. I directed its energy into drive to do something else. I don’t remember what that something else was right now, but you would make a good bet to wager it was into some manner of creativity.

No kidding, this whole deal is a mystical process. The gods are saying among themselves, as the author of the book about the “Law of Life” might write; ‘We see that man. Never does he quit his fight; we see the greatness of his need. We therefore decide to fill the potholes in the path upon which he is undertaking his journey.’

It wasn’t coincidence, I claim to you all reading these words now. The money that I did not have to publish my second poetry book arrived at about the same time as when the book itself was ready for publication!! (thanks to a USA government covid payment)




Friday, January 14, 2022

A live dog. Worth more than a dead lion.


Venture with me, dear reader…on a journey into the unknown. 

I am petrified. My fear shudders. I consoled myself this afternoon with a love letter to myself. And did what I have never done. I forgave myself for the wreckage I smashed upon my life.  

Have you ever believed you are a slave? I have. I am enslaved, truth be told.

At least, from a certain perspective, I am. From the perspective of the accuser, I am. From the perspective of the liar who seeks my death, I am exactly that.  A slave. I advance to this liar plenty of evidence to support the untruth that I am a slave. Who enslaved me? I did. I enslaved myself to survive, first off by eating sweet foods compulsively.  I still am a compulsive overeater. I have been since I was five years old, and now, at 71 years, I still falter and slip and eat to escape feeling. Feelings, my friend. Those feeling I most need to feel to know how best to care for myself.

This journey into the unknown of myself, I invite you to follow its path. I invite you to participate. I seek transformation, metamorphosis defined in insect terms as the transformation from an immature form to an adult form. The Oxford Languages definition elaborates. “a change of the form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one, by natural or supernatural means.”