As of this writing, I have 60 days of back-to-back SPAA defined sobriety. The relapse excuses? There are no excuses. I went to my pre-programmed always-works-never-lets-me-down escape valve. I watched porn and masturbated. But indulge the writer as he writes about circumstances, compares, and offers estimations of progress despite the book cover of defeat. For about four months, I had had absolutely no access to my monthly pension money. I had been unsuccessfully, desperately seeking resolutions while my supply of savings dwindled to a one month capacity to meet minimum financial obligations. I felt like I was in a bed of quicksand in a night so black not a glimmer of light could be seen. At that point in time, I lost about seven and a half months of back-to-back sobriety. But I did not lose the progress of that change in mentality, what’s called the psychic change sufficient to bring about a radical change in attitude and outlook upon life. When I first started the porn free living journey, I would act out on account of, what now, but not then! Seem miniscule triggers---being lonely after the good vibration fellowship of an AA meeting. Or just because it was a Monday.
I go to SPAA meetings daily. That is a commitment to
myself and to my Higher Power which I mandate to myself to respect.
Daily at our SPAA fellowship ZOOM meetings, I see and
listen to shares from members of despairs, of hopes, of slips, of agonies, of
reflections and new understandings. I hear laughter and laugh often, and
sometimes crying. I see faces and know
people who have become not only friends but teachers. I am reminded, daily,
that I am a sex and porn addict. These daily reminders motivate me to work the
12 Step recovery program with earnest endeavor. I am reminded daily of my
default tendencies are to lie, to rationalize, to find fault in others and to
justify my behaviors. I worked the 12 Steps of Alcoholic Anonymous twice. But
the fullest ranges of my brokenness as a human being and its depths, the
consequences of their damages to myself and to others---these were not grasped
until after I had worked the 12 Steps in the SPAA program.
I thank my sponsor in SPAA for his over-the-top
support and guidance during the year long working of these 12 Steps.
