tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51571361242701963592024-03-18T20:36:23.394-07:00Me SpeakingStories of the JourneyMichael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.comBlogger79125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-37420676533120526012024-03-16T10:49:00.000-07:002024-03-16T10:49:10.000-07:00Some Math about How It Works<p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span>Women. Young and beautiful. I deep inside my gut sense the hurt I would feel if a woman in a relationship with me were to eye flirt at another man. </span>I myself feel entitled to eye flirt, and that's one form of what <a href="https://www.facebook.com/SPAARecovery/">SPAA</a> terms<a href="http://spaa-recovery.org/wp-content/uploads/What-is-Edging_Provisional-Draft-Approved-2020.11.12.pdf"> "edging." </a>It's a precursor to acting out. My main goal in life is to stop acting out, and today, I have 156 days of back to back SPAA sobriety. I am helpless, without the power needed to stop edging and acting out. However, I find and utilize the Higher Power of the SPAA fellowship, plus my personal "concept" of a Higher Power, which is Christ Jesus. I do sometimes in my bones share that gratitude expressed by members who voice a sense of peace and tranquility, despite their having two days of SPAA sobriety. I lived through decades of life completely incapable of stopping myself from masturbating for even two days in a row. Two days of SPAA sobriety IS a big deal. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span>Here are three reasons </span>I value my membership in SPAA.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">Through SPAA membership, I have stopped doing what I believed I could never stop and what I most wanted to stop. I most wanted to stop because this addiction to sex and porn is by leaps and bounds the most intractable of my other forms of addiction. It was my greatest master and I its most enslaved slave. However, a link to the chain of the shackle of this enslavement has been sundered. The paradox is that this remains true even though I am and will always be a sex and porn addict.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span>The second reason is that the <a href="https://www.aa.org/the-big-book">Big Book</a> promises have come and are coming true for me! Not in AA, nor in OA, have I EVER worked the 12 Steps with the intensity and fervor with which I have worked the steps in SPAA. Not to say I don't backslide, because I do. But I am single, and no longer seeking to objectivy women. I seek to get to know female persons as the individuals they are. </span>Another gift is that I am far, far less conflicted about my sexual identity. Through having worked the steps, I am starting to realize I'm predominately heterosexual.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">The third reason is we in the fellowship speak one another's language. We feel at home with one another. We also believe we cannot maintain SPAA defined sobriety without mutual support. As time passes, we become more and more comfortable with one another, develop friendships. We become like family. No matter the squabbles, deep down we love one another. We laugh. We cry sometimes. We men and women in the fellowship learn from one another. Wisdoms get clarified. And in my experience, hope renews itself inside every meeting. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: xx-large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: xx-large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: xx-large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: xx-large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: xx-large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: xx-large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: xx-large;"> </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-85994610515266390842024-02-10T19:25:00.000-08:002024-02-10T19:25:19.062-08:00The Jesus Concept of a Higher Power<p><span style="font-size: x-large;">I am an addict in various programs of recovery. But the most problematic, the most egregious cast me by the fortunes of Divine Providence into the fellowship of <a href="http://spaa-recovery.org/?fbclid=IwAR3qpftAhesebraQEbu0KWIdNOh_HvYHsYr8juyCSDnjL5BR68wWS6rWDTA">SPAA</a>, Sex and Porn Addicts Anonymous.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">Inside the bottomless pit of that abyss of hopeless enslavement to<a href="http://spaa-recovery.org/?fbclid=IwAR3qpftAhesebraQEbu0KWIdNOh_HvYHsYr8juyCSDnjL5BR68wWS6rWDTA"> edging</a>, when I admitted to myself my utter powerlessness over mastery of this disease...I took Step One. The first of the twelve steps of the ladder I climbed to freedom out of the abyss.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="https://soberspeak.com/alcoholics-anonymous-history-who-founded-aa-how-did-it-begin/">Dr. Bob and Bill Wilson</a> co-founded the movement that constructed the manual of suggested instructions on how to work these twelve steps.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">Simple, but not easy, but for those of us who had no choice but to live or die, die literally and figuratively, who chose life---the 12 step work incarcerated these addictions in a maximum security prison, an <a href="https://www.sftravel.com/article/dive-deep-into-history-alcatraz">Alcatraz</a> so to speak.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">The continual working of the steps provided to me the security of that prison by a spiritual growth vibration of frequencies of alert living in the moment. The bad vibes rear their ugly heads not withstanding. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">Onto another branch of the tree.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">I cannot comprehend how, with a limited capacity to comprehend. The Higher Power for this man grows on a tree, it's a Pinecone. The Higher Power for this woman? The Universe itself. No Higher Power exists for this other man, an atheist who nonetheless has been clean and sober for decades.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">Based on a variety of personal experiences, my conception of a Higher Power is a <a href="https://www.uiw.edu/mission/reflections/recognizing-the-risen-lord-in-our-world.html">Risen Lord Jesus Christ.</a> A man who thirsted grasps thirst. A man who grieved the death of a dear friend grasps grief. A man who suffered physical torment grasps physical torment. A man who grasps glad joy grasps the gladness of joy. In these manners, my Higher Power intimately grasps my humanity because, in my conception, He IS truly human, and truly God, and His Divinity empowers capacities in me of which I am not capable.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">The working of the 12 Steps had granted access to this Power which has brought and is bringing a life to me "beyond my wildest dreams." </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-76389235427055925032024-01-07T16:44:00.000-08:002024-01-07T16:47:53.271-08:00Counting One Day at a Time<p> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 22.0pt; line-height: 106%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Last night, today, an awful damaged rotator cuff pain,
and yes, as a seventy-three-year-old 12 Step recovering alcoholic, drug addict,
food addict and sex and porn addict, I do my best to keep a clear head. But the
level seven on the one to ten pain scale demanded relief measures. So, I
swallowed the pain killer pills; got skyrocketed into a drug like high. And it
drove me to a place of reflection about my body. Deprived of level headedness,
I laid in bed, and my body embarked on its craving for a happy ending massage.
Radical honesty. It’s emphasized repeatedly in the AA Big Book as an absolute
prerequisite in order to recover from addiction. What’s my radical honesty now?
I don’t care how much numbing myself with pain killers endangers my SPAA
defined sobriety status ---<span style="color: #cc0000;">no looking at pornography, no masturbation, and no
sex outside of a committed relationship. </span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 22.0pt; line-height: 106%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">However, I lock and jail these addictions, a day at a
time, and the counter statistics echo the handiwork of a Miracle Maker, the
concept of my Higher Power--- <a href="https://www.britannica.com/topic/Trinity-Christianity">The Triune God.</a> No alcohol: 6 years, 11 months
and 18 days. No marijuana: 209 days. No SPAA slips: 88 days. No compulsive
eating: 88 days<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 22.0pt; line-height: 106%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">This Power greater than myself abounds also in the
following communities of recovery and their meetings in which I participate.
<a href="https://www.healthline.com/health/eating-disorders/overeaters-anonymous-food-plan#:~:text=Overeaters%20Anonymous%20(OA)%20is%20an,and%20OA%20aims%20to%20help.">Overeaters Anonymous,</a><a href="http://spaa-recovery.org/?fbclid=IwAR3qpftAhesebraQEbu0KWIdNOh_HvYHsYr8juyCSDnjL5BR68wWS6rWDTA"> Sex and Porn Addicts Anonymous </a>and <a href="https://www.aa.org/">Alcoholics Anonymous</a>.
Although not often, but as well… <a href="https://virtual-na.org/">Narcotics Anonymous.</a><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 22.0pt; line-height: 106%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">If I had gone out to get the happy ending massage, if
I had consented, since <a href="https://12stepphilosophy.org/2022/11/24/is-addiction-a-chronic-and-progressive-illness/">addictions are progressive</a>, I would have been in deeper
pits of black tar sex addiction than ever those pits of black had been in past
decades. $25,000 on American Express during one week end at Mustang Ranch in
Nevada. Pitiable and incomprehensible demoralization. The abyss. But by the
grace of God, no. A grace unmerited and without which I would have probably
overdosed myself to death or committed suicide. Instead, today, I listened to
member shares at AA and SPAA meetings… and learned and empathized.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I prayed for 15 minutes, I listened to an
online Catholic Mass, I danced to exercise music for twenty minutes, and I
practiced Spanish for 15 minutes. By the way, my body DID NOT want me to
practice my audio daily Spanish lesson. My body rarely does. But I do sense the
good type <a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2021/08/25/1030930259/in-dopamine-nation-overabundance-keeps-u-s-craving-more">dopamine</a> of feelings of self-fulfillment engendered when I find
myself talking in Spanish with an Ecuadorian, mostly being understood and
mostly understanding. (A Californian, I have lived in Ecuador a decade)<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 22.0pt; line-height: 106%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">When I work the SPAA program, thus decreasing the
frequency and intensities of my <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6707629/#:~:text=Women%20who%20are%20objectified%20are,treatment%20by%20others%20%5B8%5D.">objectifying women</a>…I then can experience whatever it’s
like to getting to know a female human being as the human being she is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-27810879476494796852023-12-17T18:15:00.000-08:002023-12-17T18:15:34.216-08:00The Journey Moves Moves Towards Recovery <p><span style="font-size: x-large;">As of this writing, I have 60 days of back-to-back <a href="http://spaa-recovery.org/?fbclid=IwAR3qpftAhesebraQEbu0KWIdNOh_HvYHsYr8juyCSDnjL5BR68wWS6rWDTA">SPAA</a>
defined sobriety. The relapse excuses? There are no excuses. I went to my pre-programmed always-works-never-lets-me-down escape valve. I watched porn and
masturbated. But indulge the writer as he writes about circumstances, compares,
and offers estimations of progress despite the book cover of defeat. For about four months, I had had absolutely no
access to my monthly pension money. I had been unsuccessfully, desperately
seeking resolutions while my supply of savings dwindled to a one month capacity
to meet minimum financial obligations. I felt like I was in a bed of quicksand
in a night so black not a glimmer of light could be seen. At that point in time, I lost about seven
and a half months of back-to-back sobriety. But I did not
lose the progress of that change in mentality, what’s called the psychic change
sufficient to bring about a radical change in attitude and outlook upon life.
When I first started the porn free living journey, I would act out on account
of, what now, but not then! Seem miniscule triggers---being lonely after the
good vibration fellowship of an AA meeting. Or just because it was a Monday.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="line-height: 106%;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">I go to SPAA meetings daily. That is a commitment to
myself and to my Higher Power which I mandate to myself to respect. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="line-height: 106%;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Daily at our SPAA fellowship ZOOM meetings, I see and
listen to shares from members of despairs, of hopes, of slips, of agonies, of
reflections and new understandings. I hear laughter and laugh often, and
sometimes crying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I see faces and know
people who have become not only friends but teachers. I am reminded, daily,
that I am a sex and porn addict. These daily reminders motivate me to work the
12 Step recovery program with earnest endeavor. I am reminded daily of my
default tendencies are to lie, to rationalize, to find fault in others and to
justify my behaviors. I worked the 12 Steps of Alcoholic Anonymous twice. But
the fullest ranges of my brokenness as a human being and its depths, the
consequences of their damages to myself and to others---these were not grasped
until after I had worked the 12 Steps in the SPAA program. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="line-height: 106%;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">I thank my sponsor in SPAA for his over-the-top
support and guidance during the year long working of these 12 Steps. </span><span style="font-size: 28pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-14828940930744912612023-08-10T15:40:00.000-07:002023-08-10T15:40:03.381-07:00The Proof is in the Pudding<p> <span style="font-size: x-large;">Examine, question motivations for doings? Making progress, but often I summarily barge into action. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">What's this have to do with my sex and porn addiction? Man, it ALL has to do with it! My addictions drive me to counter by almost literally praying without ceasing, to tap into the Power I don't have to NOT indulge in <a href="http://edging.">edging.</a></span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">Integration smacks of the appropriate word. To weave, to absorb opposite/same sex physical sensations---yet to synthesize, to amalmagate. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">To abandon flights of escape from feelings. (although recently I retreated to sleep to escape a self inflicted maelstrom of turbulent emotion)</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">Living life on its own terms means accepting that the enticing young woman seated in the restaurant next to me is a person with a soul of incalculable worth to God. And that for the sake of my sexual sobriety, it behooves me to give thanks to God for her creation, to pray to God He bless and keep her.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">The guys and gals with a day's <a href="http://spaa-recovery.org/">SPAA</a> sobriety teach to me perhaps the most valuable lesson. I am at risk! I best work this program One Day at a Time.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">The word integration occurs again. Integration into the body of the SPAA fellowship, being transplanted onto the tree of life of this fellowship. To become a cell in the tissue of a being of healing nature. If SPAA is not my HP, which it is not, it is part and parcel of my HP.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">My sexual sobriety is endangered if I do not carry this message to other sex and porn addicts. So if you suspect you have sex control issues, click on this <a href="https://www.sobertownpodcast.com/sobertown-by-drifter">https://www.sobertownpodcast.com/sobertown-by-drifter</a> for help and information.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-59983001917626298912023-07-09T13:41:00.003-07:002023-07-09T13:41:36.965-07:00At the Mark of the Sixth Month <p>Honesty. Not one lie, today, a day at a time, not even to myself. Work the 12 Steps of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.</p><p>Reader reading this post, a fellow <a href="http://spaa-recovery.org/">SPAA</a> member, chairing at a recent SPAA meeting, asked me to explain how I managed to gain six months of sobriety. SPAA sobriety defined as "No viewing of pornography, no sex outside of a committed relationship, and no masturbation."</p><p>Love did it was the gist of my answer, and to me, my Higher Power is Love. My sex and pornography addictions are biologically and neurologically integrated into my mind and body, and they are not calculable. But I'll do the math anyway. They are a thousand billion trillion times more powerful than the power of my will. </p><p>HOWEVER, my Higher Power broke the bond of death, which, admittedly, is an absolutely absurd proposition to make. Logic can't make sense of it. Logic can't make sense of how agnostics and atheists merit the reception of one, two, three, four and more years of SPAA defined sobriety. No matter. We sex and porn addicts in recovery and united in the working of the 12 Steps and united in frequent participation in SPAA meetings work miracles in ourselves through ourselves. I like the expression, God in skin. </p><p>My sick porn mind. I know the woman walking towards me is not a female acquaintance, but she looks very similar. So, I pretend to myself that I'm only just making sure she's not this acquaintance while I look to surreptitiously gawk at her. That's defined as edging. What is edging? A couple examples selected from the SPAA edging document. "Looking in public spaces for people we find attractive, then fantasizing about them, staring at their body parts, or following them around. We've done this on foot and from our cars."..."Fantasizing---often by replaying our past sexual escapades or pornographic images we've seen (sometimes while having sex with our committed partner)" </p><p>I go to Mass. Three young women seated across the aisle attract me. I struggle to not look at them, to not want to look at them. I'm not paying attention to the liturgy while I engage in this struggle. But I do not edge. It's worth the price of not having paid attention. </p><p>I go to SPAA meetings and don't hardly ever talk. I mostly listen. Time after time I hear stories by people being bare bones honest about their dishonesties and denial syndromes. I realize SPAA is where I belong. </p><p>How can I ever hope to be a faithful partner in a committed relationship if women are little more than sex objects to me? Women have to become people to me, more and more, just plain individual people. I'm staying single on purpose, until this transformation becomes more embedded in me.</p><p>My goal towards the achievement of this transformation? An additional six months of SPAA sobriety. I CAN stay sober for a day! If I can stay sober for a day, I can stay sober for another 182 days. My strategy. Cultivate my personal relationship with Christ. Water it. Till it. I best do this by continuous study and working of the 12 Steps. Continuous participation in SPAA meetings. Continuous outreach calls to fellow SPAA members. Physical exercise. Journaling. Healthy eating. No drugs and no alcohol because I am an alcoholic and a drug addict. No compulsive eating because I am addicted to certain foods. And loving MYSELF! Am I not to when my Higher Power does??</p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-86604354963505447632023-05-20T17:53:00.001-07:002023-05-20T17:53:27.403-07:00More Than the Sum of its Parts<p>The recovery ride has been, especially of late, an emotional roller coaster. </p><p>Mired in a seemingly everlasting tar pit of depression, then---two hours later, not a cloud in the sky! That's porn addiction withdrawal symptoms, par for the course. </p><p>Today I celebrate, rejoice in having accumulated more consecutive days of <a href="http://spaa-recovery.org/?fbclid=IwAR3qpftAhesebraQEbu0KWIdNOh_HvYHsYr8juyCSDnjL5BR68wWS6rWDTA">SPAA</a> (Sex and Porn Addicts Anonymous) sobriety --- than ever before, 142 days. The definition of SPAA sobriety: "No sex with one's self, no sex outside of a committed relationship and no viewing of pornograpy." </p><p>Some context. I'm 73 years old. Since puberty, at age 13, my now most ingrained addiction began to develop --- to have orgasms. Nothing could stop me. Not conversion to Christianity. Not getting married. Not getting publicly embarrassed. No matter the shame or the cost. The $20,000 I charged to American Express for a weekend with prostitutes at Mustang Ranch in Nevada. </p><p>I lived for the unreality of not living genuinely. Women became to me mostly mere rated objects of beauty, the closer to the ten mark the better, rather than individual human beings. Nothing could stop me during decades of attempting, time after time and method after method, to bring cessation of this activity. </p><p>The castle. It is the bastion of my sobriety. But, I fight outside its walls. The enemy outside called edging. The edging takes place in my mind, its imaginings. Mental replay of past sexual encounter. It's where the true war lies, a war of battles lost and won. Prayer the principal weapon. "With faith in You Higher Power, I pray You remove from me this desire to edge." Seeking to not look rather than to look. See the <a href="http://spaa-recovery.org/wp-content/uploads/What-is-Edging_Provisional-Draft-Approved-">SPAA Edging Document.</a> </p><p>One hundred billion trillion times more powerful the disease is in comparison with the power of my will. </p><p>Solutions. (What is working for me)</p><p>A steady, growing relationship with Higher Power.</p><p>Vigourous and consistent working of the 12 Steps based on the Big Book of <a href="https://www.aa.org/">Alcoholics Anonymous. </a></p><p>Daily or mostly daily attendance and participation in SPAA fellowship meetings.</p><p>Having a sponsor and a sponsee.</p><p>Growth in friendship with other SPAA members by means of outreach calls on a consistent basis.</p><p>By doing these actions, and similar, chances for successful recovery over five years augment by 85 percent. See<a href="https://cdn.ymaws.com/iitap.com/resource/resmgr/arie_files/m1_article_task-centered-com.pdf"> task centered treatment</a> by Patrick J. Carnes, PhD.</p><p>Fast forward to a final note: I deactivated my Facebook account because it is a significant source of temptation to SPAA sobriety slippage. </p><p>I temporarily re-activate the account to publish therein this post so FB friends far and near can read it.</p><p>This is one manner by which I can do 12th Step SPAA work. </p><p>"Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sex and porn addicts and to practice these principals in all our affairs." </p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-64339451275690841212023-01-02T18:08:00.005-08:002023-01-02T18:08:46.524-08:00The Trick of Last Night's Edge<p><span style="font-size: large;">The other day I considered. If I thought of God as much as I think about women, I'd be thinking about God all the time.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">My thinking about women the way I habitually do IS edging, which in<a href="http://spaa-recovery.org/"> SPAA</a> (Sex and Porn Addicts Anonymous) conceptualization ---activates desire to act out, or, that is to say, "to go all the way." When I edge, I spur my porn addicted self to do just that. All I need do to feel my dopamine hormones rush to heat up my body to act out is to go onto Facebook. It's a major trigger for me. I go there on purpose to do what my Higher Self does not want to do. I want to escape the realities of my human condition, but I can't. I believe that's why I am chiefly a porn addict, a food addict, a drug addict, an alcoholic and a compulsive money spender. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">I plan to have my Facebook account permanently deactivated, after treasured photos have been saved into a flash drive, as for me it is a known acting out location.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">Last night, in bed while trying to go to sleep, I fantasized and fantasized, repeatedly, about having sex with a woman who turns me on. I was doing what my addicted body was enjoying. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">At first, I fought the urge. Then, past personal experience reminded me that most every time I struggle against, what against I struggle increases in power. So, I accepted the fantasizing, and I prayed to my Higher Power to remove the desire. I didn't pray as if to pray to a stone wall. I prayed to a living, breathing Almighty God who loved me to death, pun intended, Who listens to me, while believing He <span style="color: red;">would </span>remove my desire to continue these edging imaginations. Soon after, I fell into sound sleep.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">This is all I am going to write about this topic for now.</span></p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-27481382679949179142022-09-25T18:10:00.001-07:002022-09-25T18:40:56.799-07:00A Conversion of Promises Becoming<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJ6noI0JO5naLzaMLD-HQonhTGxgVRVZ-Ff1tiYWO0Pm8hUtrYgAglvM_OU3KahCf0MvCe5hKa7w255F9F69irx2kOvBhJg6v-ptNQP_zhtrzrw3tk2li261z0GVfxrWgyrqSmzrlOimpXVtTHa01K3BeQ78U9w98zrpf0YounpL2b8i1grXm7kNbiEA/s1040/IMG-20210417-WA0000%20(1).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1040" data-original-width="780" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJ6noI0JO5naLzaMLD-HQonhTGxgVRVZ-Ff1tiYWO0Pm8hUtrYgAglvM_OU3KahCf0MvCe5hKa7w255F9F69irx2kOvBhJg6v-ptNQP_zhtrzrw3tk2li261z0GVfxrWgyrqSmzrlOimpXVtTHa01K3BeQ78U9w98zrpf0YounpL2b8i1grXm7kNbiEA/w300-h400/IMG-20210417-WA0000%20(1).jpg" width="300" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span><p></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">Call it osmosis. Transformation. Call it growing a new skin.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">It's turning me inside out and upside down. Before, I actively sought to look at beautiful women. I yearned for the longing stares of mutual attraction. No matter religious faith nor sexual codes of conduct, women were statues of goddesses erected on pedestals in temples of idolatry. Their marble material didn't threaten. Flesh and blood women scared me to death.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: xx-large;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><u>Now, women are people to me, imperfect and sharing the equalities of imperfection. Now, not only women, but the whole world about me transforms into a present moment of living vitality. I see what before I didn't notice. Now, I do not seek to look, and when I do, I seek to not look lustfully. </u></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">My <a href="https://stanfordmag.org/contents/this-is-your-brain-on">lizard </a>drive urges, almost compels my innermost self, the sex and porn addict, to objectify individuals onto the screen of my mind, to liken them as porn actresses in a sex video. I am urged to feed the demand that <a href="https://www.iamatreasure.com/blog/7-ways-porn-fuels-trafficking">porn advances towards the enslavement of women in the prostitution trade.</a></span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">In <a href="http://spaa-recovery.org/">SPAA</a> (Sex and Porn Addicts Anonymous), we chip against this trade. And in SPAA, a cardinal belief is that we of necessity must fight this fight as a unit. Personally speaking, if I don't go to meetings daily, I am not reminded daily of the disease, and if not, I forget as this disease is incredibly cunning and wants nothing more than for me to forget my abnormality. Phone calls to fellow members belong in this together we stand category. Depression, especially morbid, dark episodes trigger this writer to act out with porn: a sure-fire temporary remedy not worth the slip. Last depressed episode I had...a phone call to a SPAA brother lifted my spirit, offered sympathy, encouragement and provided perspective. I didn't act out. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">The honesty and vulnerability and wisdom these brothers and sisters share during meetings cultivate nutrients of high-end grade...a fundamental assistance, a lifebuoy to a drowning person.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">Meditation and<a href="https://crappychildhoodfairy.com/about/"> crappy writing</a> practice daily morn and evening assists. <a href="https://www.outofstress.com/meditation-prefrontal-cortex/">Consistent meditation muscles up the pre frontal cortex of the brain,</a> which thus enables better impulse control, attentiveness and considerate response. Crappy writing helps sweep away pent up emotions of fear and resentment which obscure a clear view out the window of one's mind.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-large;">A 12 Step sponsor most considerably assists. My SPAA sponsor's latest project tasked onto me spurs me on to dig deep about my definition of what it means to be a man. The flip side of the coin of the task spurs me on to dig deep about what quality of woman I would seek in a mate. Armed with this intelligence, as a single man, I intend to prospect for a committed partnership not in a mound of garbage but in a mine where diamonds wait to be discovered. </span></p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-72001994257195763432022-08-25T16:34:00.000-07:002022-08-25T16:34:48.308-07:00The Breathing Lung of Hope<p><span style="font-size: medium;">If ever I, myself, needed the understanding and support of those in the tribe of us, the recovering sex and porn addicts, it is now. Truly, if I can speak truth, this need largely escaped me until I joined the fellowship of SPAA. (Sex and Porn Addicts Anonymous)</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">It's repeated all over the earth. Addicts in 12 Step programs cannot recover alone, on their own resources, but must need have community and fellowship with those who share the particular addiction disease. So, it is.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Particularly in<a href="http://spaa-recovery.org/"> SPAA.</a> This disease murders hope. My hopes of abstinence, when I entertained such hope, dashed countless times over decade upon decade.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Perhaps I can find the words to explain. In my family of origin, a shadow of shame darkened the light in the house. A lock on authentic expression curtailed capacity to learn how to feel. From my perspective, an admonition in the household acted like a curtain in a movie theater. If the curtain could have been opened, the movie would have been like a world of entertainment. Simple fun. Going fishing. Going to the sleep-over. Going to the sock hop in the 7th grade classroom. Going to see Natalie Wood in West Side Story. But the curtain, for the most part, never opened. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">But, and I am grateful for this, when I reached puberty, I did find a manner to enjoy an endless supply of fun by bringing myself to completion, while imagining having sex with the girls I lusted for in grade school. Sexually acting out rescued my life in those early years, and I am indebted. In later years, most emphatically, I say the interest on that debt drove my subsequent life into a kind of vaguely noticed, but perpetual bankruptcy.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">The brothers and sisters with whom I daily meet in our international SPAA Zoom meetings understand. My sentiment is that this understanding breathes forth the hope that gives the finger to sex and porn addiction. We share a common lung breathing hope.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Now. So, it is. Hope, one day at a time. </span></p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-15296792280749227372022-08-09T19:37:00.000-07:002022-08-09T19:37:06.900-07:00Upon the Door, Fear knocked.<p> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: red; font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I cut
the rope. I don’t see where I came from. I go into the unknown.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: red; font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">What
do I find? Change is my fear. Being different is my fear. Being queer. Being forever
ruled not by purpose but by the emotive waves of stormy emotion buffeting me. Being
a quitter. My fears tie me down to the way I used to be, to my past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My fears comfort me. However, a broken
record player repeats a truth I grasp, that... “Fear knocked on the door, and faith answered.” <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: red; font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Faith
in Jesus Christ. Faith. Blind faith? It’s not blind, my faith. And all of
everything lives inside the moment of now. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: red; font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">My
job is to cultivate, water, hoe the ground of my faith so that it works, rain
or shine.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: red; font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I choose
to feel. (Not to say that I also choose <u>not</u> to feel) The dragon is that I
am a coward, a sissy, a fraud who does not have sufficient masculinity to win
the heart of a woman.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: red; font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">This
is where an Evil One enters the picture. This Liar well realizes my hatred
mistakenly directed at God on account of my year after year, decade after
decade of being a single man, and the resentment in me about it, and how
hopeless and helpless I feel about it.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: red; font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Faith
supplies the reason to believe that my joy, my happiness depends not on any one human
being, but on my relationship with He who granted to me His salvation. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-31845215618436305742022-05-27T21:14:00.003-07:002022-05-27T21:14:51.225-07:00A No Named Cabin Cruiser<p> It's chastening to post honestly. I don't want my sexual sobriety more than anything else. I say to myself I need wiggle room, and myself agrees. </p><p>Rome wasn't built in a day is my argument. I argue the Capital of the Roman Empire had been fearfully and painfully growing during hundreds of years. </p><p>And picture the mental constructs of French and English mindsets, perpetually contending. </p><p>Believe not what I say --- that's not what truly counts; what does is whether I do what I say.</p><p>Today I kept one of my words and honestly, not just in the technical sense but in a whole hearted sense.</p><p>There is something going on. A sense of an orderly retreat in the face of an unstoppable force that releases a hundred different and interesting directions.</p><p>Imagine the freedom to be able to say what it is one feels no matter what fear of giving offense nor what fear of appearing foolish or intemperate.</p><p>I am struck by the depths of the soul-searching honesty shared amongst those of us in the SPAA Zoom meetings, that brother and sister fellowship. Not a speck of judgement.</p><p>I am half way, forty five days today in fact, into the ninety meetings in ninety days committment, with twenty days SPAA sobriety. </p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-69838947119470258902022-05-13T16:24:00.003-07:002022-05-13T16:24:32.383-07:00Experiences of a Hopeful Nature<p>If I look at porn, I lose my SPAA sobriety, and recent times past, nothing, nothing on earth wanted I more than to look at pornagraphy. It's my bread and butter.</p><p>One goal: Go to 90 SPAA meetings in 90 days; today is 61 of those 90. Here's the stats. 41 days back-to-back sober, day 42 a slip. Next 10 days sober, day 53 a slip, day 55 a slip. </p><p>These "slips", well, put it this way. I tell myself, damn, I slipped, so...all bets are off, I'm going to milk this cow for all its worth, and the slip on a day turns into 3 or 4 slips in one day. </p><p>I intend to continue going to SPAA meetings daily, indefinitely. I now have a sponsor, and have started working the First Step of the 12 Steps contained in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, adapted for sex and porn addicts.</p><p>To repeat, according to the SPAA definition of sobriety, if I watch porn, even if I don't masturbate, I slip. If I have sex outside of a committed relationship, I slip. If I masturbate to completion without looking at porn, I slip. </p><p>According to the testimony, also, that I hear said from almost every man and woman in the SPAA fellowship, what's called "edging" leads to slipping.</p><p>Edging is akin to taking small tastes of a drug.</p><p>During the past six decades, I have been an unadulterated edger, an unhinged girl watcher, a legally permitted whore house goer, a porn looker, and a chronic masturbator. About ten years ago, I charged $20,000 on American Express for a week-end of sex worker services at Mustang Ranch in Nevada. </p><p><span style="color: red;">So, what's happening now that's different?</span></p><p>I go outside on the street downtown and I'm forcing myself to not look at the pretty women, and although fairly often this not successfully, that's the goal; if that's what it takes to prevent slippages, that's the goal.</p><p>Today I went grocery shopping at the Coral Supermarket on Calle Sucre. I knew there would be plenty of foxes walking around the aisles bending over and reaching up to grab. I knew there would be no chance in hell I could avert my eyes. I'd have had to wear a blindfold! So, I took the God Higher Power suggestion to heart, and prayed believing the H would do for me what I could not do for myself, and by golly it worked! The objects of desire, in my eyes, transformed into female people, some more attractive than others but that fact not a deal breaker. </p><p>Do you know, dearest of all readers, do you know what these and same such experiences spawn inside the core of my being?</p><p>Hope!!!</p><p>And what is hope??</p><p><span style="color: red;">"Hope is the only good thing that disillusion respects."</span></p><p>Marquis de Vauvenargues</p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-61497142473565867792022-04-28T19:35:00.001-07:002022-04-28T19:35:41.987-07:00The Hope in a Power Greater than Myself<p>Well, I slipped again, three episodes of one time each. But I wanted the rushes. Cannot call a deliberate fall a slip, as if it was accidental! I can refine those lies to myself and say---"I'm an addict! Heh, what can you expect from an addict except to act out and to be what he or she is!?" Folks, I do not give a shit what or how I categorize my slips and relapses. I am a dyed in the wool porn addict!! </p><p>In <a href="http://spaa-recovery.org/?fbclid=IwAR3qpftAhesebraQEbu0KWIdNOh_HvYHsYr8juyCSDnjL5BR">SPAA</a>, the 12 Step porn recovery program, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop acting out sexually. I do most of the time have this desire, but to be honest, not all the time.</p><p>An aside here. I have not ever, not once, felt negative judgement by other SPAA members based on the length of time of my sobriety. I have been attending and participating in SPAA meetings daily for forty-six days. I see guys and gals with two days sobriety being respected, being listened to, being genuine brothers and sisters with members who have five and seven and thirteen years sobriety. </p><p>The sharing is dug deep soul and spirit sharing. A species of sharing separated from the species of sharing I experienced in the JK program group of men and men only. </p><p>To me, it's interesting. When I confide, when I have said (to some in SPAA) ... that I see<a href="https://elevatedrecovery.org/about-j-k/"> JK System</a> people abstaining from acting out for one, two and three and more years, I sense fear, blockage and close mindedness, as if the words explaining my experience were threatening. I say it (as if) I am God Almighty. People who believe the 12 Step way to recovery from porn addiction is the ONLY way to recover from porn addiction are mistaken. <span style="color: red;">There is always, always more than one way to skin a cat. </span></p><p>I implemented the JK System for over two and a half years, and the longest stretch of my sobriety has so far been four months. Considering the depth and weight of my addiction, four months astonishes me to this day. I abstained because of my implementations of the JK Program. From inside out, from top to bottom, from left to right day after day after day I mined my soul and worked every tool in the JK toolshed; I discovered parts and aspects never before unearthed inside the ground of my soul. I thank JK for this! His system was and is still integral to the path on which I now walk.</p><p>However, my intent now is to walk the path of the 12 Steps of SPAA. My intent now is to bond with a SPAA sponsor and work the SPAA steps with every bone, every cell, every fiber of hair on my body...just like I did with the JK System.</p><p>Sounds to me I am now at least wanting to want recovery all of the time.</p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-70891544689344666732022-04-15T16:48:00.000-07:002022-04-15T16:48:34.593-07:00Averting the Looking at the Unavoidables<p>Thirty-three days of no porn and masturbation sobriety today.</p><p>But I sure wanted to act out, and not too long ago. I watched and listened to a man during a<a href="https://www.facebook.com/SPAARecovery/"> SPAA</a> meeting (Sex and Porn Addicts Anonymous), about my age, who had just lost his sobriety, a man who had regressed back to day one, and sadness was written on his face and in his voice. I am at risk myself, and almost literally at any time of day or night. When the urge arrives, it seduces without remorse and can leave the man or woman so seduced in a pitiful state of affairs. The question becomes how, how could I do what it is I most do not want to do?</p><p>The conclusion I've reached is because I am powerless to prevent myself from indulging in pleasures that dress in the clothing of sheep, but are in fact rapacious animals clothed in the innocent appearing make up of "benign" addiction.</p><p>Do you relate, reader of these words?</p><p>The heart of my current strategy to incarcerate my porn addiction is named the "aversion technique."</p><p>When a fantasy of sex pops up, avert the imagination. Imagine instead an eagle flying over the vast expanse of a forest.</p><p>When a picture of a beautiful woman in an ad in the cell phone appears, she clothed in a bikini, avert the eyes and don't take a second look.</p><p>When a provocatively clad woman walks by on the street, avert the eyes and murmer a prayer for her well being.</p><p>When a period of emotional turmoil ensues, avert that area of the turbulence and go to a SPAA meeting and express your feelings to people who understand your language. </p><p>When an unwanted thought troubles the spirit, I am learning, that thought is false, and that is the reason why it troubles the spirit. True thoughts settle and nurture the spirit.</p><p>I attempt to do my part in the work of progress that I am in the making, and a large part of that part is to surrender control, to let go and let God.</p><p>The hard lesson I am learning in this day and age of my journey is that, ultimately, I cannot "depend" on people, including myself. I have always had a needy, clingy aspect to my make up. This aspect is dissolving painfully as I grow to accept that every person on this earth is sick to one degree or another. I cannot attach my longings for joy, or peace onto people because of the human condition. I must, instead, attach these longings to my Higher Power, and cultivate and nurture my relationship with this Higher Power. </p><p>In this manner, the power to forgive which I do not have comes to me through the grace of God.</p><p><br /></p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-10134294145816483722022-04-08T15:35:00.004-07:002022-04-08T15:35:29.297-07:00Just Cannot Live Without It<p>Hope. Can't live without it. Especially when, after almost three years of concerted effort to cease and desist, the practice of looking at pornography and masturbating continues practically unabated. I am seeing men and women in the SPAA (Sex and Porn Addicts Anonymous) group with two, five, seven and thirteen years of sobriety. The view offers that vital ingredient of hope.</p><p>And the men and women who share their experiences on the road of recovery unanimously agree that one vital key to their success is to stop<a href="http://spaa-recovery.org/wp-content/uploads/What-is-Edging_Provisional-Draft-Approve"> edging.</a> I did not realize before participating in SPAA meetings that I have lived almost sex decades of my seventy-two years of life as an edger---my imaginings alive for the purpose of stimulating my inordinate drive to feel lust.</p><p>I spent $20,000 at the Mustang Ranch house of prostitution in one weekend. I spent my father's inheritance of $15,000 on happy ending massages in San Francisco, CA. Every beautiful woman I saw became an object upon which I fixated, in order to experience the rush of a rise of sex desire. I started at age thirteen and continued unabated, until about three years ago, when I discovered that my habituation to sex and pornography was my complete and total master, and I, its slave. But then, when I interrupted the practice, I could look men in the eye without over extending the look, and I could also quit smoking nicotine cigarettes. A fog in the mind of my thinking lifted. The cessation of the practice benefited, but the truth is that if I did it once, I would do it again. </p><p>As of this writing, I have twenty-six days of SPAA sobriety, and my goal is to, at a minimum, to go to 90 Zoom SPAA meetings in 90 days.</p><p>The reasons why I am a pornography addict are not what matters. What matters is that I am, and that I accept that I am (a sex addict) and that I do not have the personal resources to overcome the condition. </p><p>This is where the spiritual solution suggested in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous enters the picture.That solution is to turn my will and my life over to a Higher Power who does have the power I lack. For my food addiction and my drug and alcohol addictions, doing just this resulted in freedom from these scourges. I lost weight, and kept it off. I stopped drinking alcohol five years ago, and have not had a drop since, regardless of inner conflict or outside tension. So, I have resolution backed by prior experience. If I work the 12 Steps of AA, in regard to sex and porn addiction, I can be freed of this most terribly self-destructive addiction as well. </p><p> </p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-9845520692455433092022-03-25T19:12:00.000-07:002022-03-25T19:12:45.603-07:00More Than One Way to Skin the Cat of Porn Addiction<p><span style="font-size: large;">Today is twelve days of porn sobriety. My body is lethargic, slow, medium depressed emotionally and also sensitive, which are manifestations of withdrawal from the dopamine hits of ejaculations.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">I go to the Zoom Morning Brew SPAA (Sex and Porn Addicts Anonymous) meetings daily, and listen to men and women share their stories in a language I understand. Note taking helps to reinforce particularly on target nuggets of wisdom. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">The ten-and twenty year lengths of sobriety from acting out that more than a few people in the Morning Brew meetings, that these people have accumulated, renders considerable hope to me that I myself can arrest this compulsion.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">It is in the end more about quitting self-centered focus. I am totally and absolutely self-absorbed when I am acting out. I do not care about anyone or anything other than getting that relief that solves the momentary issue. And the sexual release of one pornography ejaculation leads automatically to the next, and for me, the reason is this: Not only am I an addict, I hate myself for being enslaved to the condition. I do it again for a minute or two of "vacation" from the self-hatred, the despair and the despondency. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">My main focus now, readers, is to attend 90 SPAA meetings in 90 days.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">While driving towards this end, I incorporate this incomplete list of tools into my life style.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">Prayer in faith---to a Higher Power to remove urges to edge. (Edging is doing and thinking motivated by desire to experience sexual arousal) Today on the street in Cuenca, Ecuador, I could not help but notice a beautiful young woman who was driving a motor scooter, stopped at a red light.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">I immediately averted my eyes after that first look, and prayed to God to aid the person in the way that she most currently needed help.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">Calling or texting a fellow porn addict in recovery---this tool grates against the guy in me that shudders to admit he needs help.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">Imaginations---instead of an edge fantasy, an imagining of an eagle flying above a forest, a sunrise upon a beach or the movement of tree branches in a mild wind.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">Getting distracted---cook up a meal, play darts or watch an edifying movie.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">The recurrent theme in the SPAA meeting is that edging eventually leads to acting out.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">Readers, to bring this post to its conclusion, I exclaim that my whole world is being turned upside down.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">Almost all I desired for five decades of living this life on earth was to seek and to find womanly beauty and to suck on it like an infant sucking mom's nipple to the very last drop of its milk. I lived for that lingering, longing stare of erotic suspension. Every mini-skirt, all hot pants, never mind if in a movie, a video or in a corner street bar were candy to my sugar addiction. My own power is insufficient to stop the staring, the looking and the wanting.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">Other men I've worked with to solve this addiction have achieved one and two years of sex addict sobriety, so I realize that working the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous as adapted for porn addiction is not the sole and only way to recover.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">That being said, there is that slang saying which rings true. "There is more than one way to skin a cat!" </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-65881001308944006912022-03-16T15:31:00.000-07:002022-03-16T15:31:44.606-07:00We Brothers and Sisters Understand<br /><div><span style="font-size: large;">Three days now I have both participated in and attended SPAA meetings. Got a question for you, reader? Did you believe I would write every other Friday, like I said I would? I did. I broke my own word to myself, and so what that I did? Actons count, not words. Not to say that words should not count, but my experience is the ideal of having concord between words and deeds is an ideal often mis-stepped.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">The SPAA meetings are pumping hope into my soul, I say. Guys have one year, three years, five and ten years of porn sobriety through the working of the 12 Steps of AA, modified to fit the porn addict condition.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">I am just going to keep on talking about what comes to mind, brothers and sisters.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Just as a farmer cannot grow corn without getting dirt soiled hands, perhaps none of us, especially those of us with devastingly destructive addictions, can bear the burdens of existence without some or other manner of addiction or compulsion. However, my porn addiction, I am beginning to believe can be arrested with SPAA fellowship and the working of the 12 Steps.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">By placing this post on the world wide web, my hope is this sunlight of transparency so shining onto this most secretive of addicttions will help to dry it out of my life.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">It contaminates my relationship with Jesus Christ. Immediately, the Accuser asserts "You are a fake Christian." I reply as Franklin Delano Roosevelt proclaimed, "The only thing to fear is fear itself!"</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">"Scared kid" is the name I call my part that seeks and pursues pornographic ejaculations. I grew up in a house ruled by shame and fear, and trace the roots of this addiction to that household. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">My responsability is to repair the wreckage of my car no matter who or what wrecked it.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">I am going into an unknown world, folks. Pray for me, as I do for myself, to have the courage needed for the journey. </span></div>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-21085850688646061202022-02-28T15:45:00.000-08:002022-02-28T15:45:57.949-08:00The Reptile Gets Outsmarted<p><span style="font-size: large;">No second guessing here. I'm at the third stage of the porn addiction cycle. Last time I relapsed? Forty nine days ago. I spiked on four days of dopamine rush to the max. Feeling despair after each hit, I repeated the acting out, to relieve the very despair I had created.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">That was Stage One, and then next, Stage Two. Remorse, regret and lethargy. Lack of drive. Hopelessness. The big question resounds inside: "How could I do what I want most of all not to do?!" Slowly, hope revives and with it return to exercise, meditation, prayer, evaluative thinking practice and the reading of uplifting books. Those ingredients that coagulate and synthesis the re-wiring of the brain biology.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">However, dear reader, the lizard exists inside and it is reptilian. I can't reason with it, but I can outsmart it. Still, the beast is wanting to continue the cycle, and I am now at the Third Stage of that cycle. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">I find that sex connect passion in the eyes of beautiful women. I'm watching the snap dance videos with the young women in hot pants. I'm imagining getting that quasi- sexual massage from my woman friend who I lust after.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">How in the name of God does a man restrain himself? I have sworn to not have sex with any woman with whom I am not in a committed relationship. The committment is integral to the <a href="http://spaa-recovery.org/?fbclid=IwAR3qpftAhesebraQEbu0KWIdNOh_HvYHsYr8juyCSDnjL5BR68wWS6rWDTA">SPAA</a> (Sex and Porn Addicts Anonymous) definition of porn abstinence. Truth be said, seems to me anyway, the longer the interval between ejaculation, the greater the building up of that desire. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">So, today I ask myself...What am I going to do to break the cycle, to snap it apart? The answer arrives. Accept the urge. Do not resist the urge because resisting only increases the urge. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">And harness that urge to create and to transform and to heal. Tap into the sexuality of being that rests at peace in the hands of the Creator. And feel love for the self, take kind care of the self, set boundaries to protect the self against contamination of the toxic. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">I'm going to slip again. The slip will be reported here. And I will analyze the event like a scientist, in order to learn from the mistake and arrive at remedies to apply while I rewire my brain's biology. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">I committ to doing, and to not doing what is in this blog post, in order to combine my enormous sexual drive with the limitless power of the Holy Spirit. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">I offer <a href="https://www.wellandgood.com/sexual-energy/">this link about transmutation</a>, as well. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">Also, it needs be said, until I began to implement the procedures taught by<a href="https://m.facebook.com/jkemezi1/"> this man and his assistants,</a> the crucial hope, the absolutely essential sense of confidence that I am a winner and can liberate myself from pornography enslavement...I just did not have it. </span></p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-2063380324334536362022-02-11T12:50:00.000-08:002022-02-11T12:50:20.455-08:00You and me make One<p> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 106%;">The mentor
asserts that only uncommon men end their porn addictions. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 106%;">I believe
the assertion.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 106%;">God knows.
The depth, the weight, the integration of the addiction into my biology, decade
after decade so much so that one could truthfully say that I lived to porn and
masturbate. God knows how many porn quitting programs I have tried
unsuccessfully. God understands why, at times, the feeling of despairing
sentiment that this enslavement to the addiction is permanently glued onto my
soul.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 106%;">Yet, if
others have escaped…if others are escaping…if others with dependencies no less
grave than<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>mine are shaking themselves
free, I can!<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 106%;">I not only
can, I am. The acting out that three years ago was normally two times a day is
these days normally two times every three months.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 106%;">The red
scars and painful disfigurements on the organ have almost all been healed.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 106%;">I would not
and still cannot have achieved these landmarks of hope giving accomplishment
without the ongoing support and brotherhood of other men enlisted with me on the same team going forward on this journey.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 106%;">It is a
journey into an unknown, finding a new being that was always that being meant to be by
the Creator of beings.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 106%;">But onto
details.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 106%;">The
structure is organized. The 2022-year goals are established.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 106%;">The
milestones towards these goals are printed out. I will be able to view and
assess my progress. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 106%;">During each
day, I work towards the achievement of these goals. The money earning and
saving goal, the Spanish language speaking goal and the publication of the
third book of poetry goal are these three main goals.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 106%;">But no sir
and no mam,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> your writer</span> does not work at these
first! <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 106%;">He work first
at the morning routine, first at the exercise, first at the visualization and meditation,
first at the evaluative thinking practice. He works first at the reading of books meant to aid
porn addicts end what is this unhealthy coping behavior.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 106%;">Do you know
what then happens? The energy and the drive and the passion that spawns forth
from within as a result of putting first things first also engenders the drive
to accomplishment of the secondary and material goals. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 299.25pt;"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 106%;">Experience is all the confirmation needed.<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-43369836559665040092022-01-28T09:26:00.000-08:002022-01-28T09:26:54.968-08:00Akin to a Napoleonic Truth<p> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Been finding
that the System holds water. Been finding the brothers are dead serious about
navigating the currents, the ebb and flow of the river that leads to
regenerated life.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">That I too
can fly like an eagle, that the pain of the wound feeling unendurable I can
endure. I did not go mad when the manic upheaval was prompting to that escape.
I gripped the marble of the lars god and held tight for the dear and sweet
savor of life.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I am a porn addict.
My addiction thrives in the dark, and I am done with it. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">In the
writing of these posts, I cast the light that exposes what needs and wants the
secrecy. Without the secrecy, the addiction cannot do what it lives to do.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Dear reader,
please, read no further if your sensibilities might feel offended by the
explicitness that adherence to honesty requires. I will slip. I will relapse
and I will report in these posts when I have slipped and when I have relapsed. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I will analyze
to the best ability what contributed, where I was taking mistaken steps, what
weaknesses of character were aiding and abetting. And each time I fall, I will
arise stronger than before, more educated, more savvy about the red flags and
mirages in the desert that are just not real.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I am 72
years old. I have been habitually masturbating to pornography for 50 years. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got to be frank about this to you. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I am not
only a sex and porn addict. I am also a food addict, a drug addict, and an alcoholic.
And this addiction to pornography has by hand over fist been fifty times the
rascal to arrest and throw into jail than the other three.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I intend to
keep on writing in this vein twice a month until the day comes when the monster
of lies has evaporated into nothing. Until, to put it the way the mentor put it….
the child just no longer wets his bed.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I found out
something fairly recently. Experienced its truth. The call of that huffing and
puffing titillation of craving for the dopamine release of an ejaculation was
front and center, and I was wavering. But this time, I did not resist its
power. I welcomed its power. I directed its energy into drive to do something
else. I don’t remember what that something else was right now, but you would
make a good bet to wager it was into some manner of creativity. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">No kidding, this
whole deal is a mystical process. The gods are saying among themselves, as the
author of the book about the “Law of Life” might write; ‘We see that man. Never
does he quit his fight; we see the greatness of his need. We therefore decide
to fill the potholes in the path upon which he is undertaking his journey.’<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It wasn’t
coincidence, I claim to you all reading these words now. The money that I did
not have to publish my second poetry book arrived at about the same time as when
the book itself was ready for publication!! (thanks to a USA government covid
payment)<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-78508952394371345702022-01-14T16:46:00.000-08:002022-01-14T16:46:34.979-08:00A live dog. Worth more than a dead lion.<p> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Venture with
me, dear reader…on a journey into the unknown.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I am petrified.
My fear shudders. I consoled myself this afternoon with a love letter to myself.
And did what I have never done. I forgave myself for the wreckage I smashed upon
my life. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Have you
ever believed you are a slave? I have. I am enslaved, truth be told.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">At least, from
a certain perspective, I am. From the perspective of the accuser, I am. From
the perspective of the liar who seeks my death, I am exactly that. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A slave. I advance to this liar plenty of
evidence to support the untruth that I am a slave. Who enslaved me? I did. I
enslaved myself to survive, first off by eating sweet foods compulsively. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still am a compulsive overeater. I have been
since I was five years old, and now, at 71 years, I still falter and slip and
eat to escape feeling. Feelings, my friend. Those feeling I most need to feel to
know how best to care for myself. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">This journey
into the unknown of myself, I invite you to follow its path. I invite you to
participate. I seek transformation, metamorphosis defined in insect terms as
the transformation from an immature form to an adult form. The Oxford Languages
definition elaborates. “a change of the form or nature of a thing or person
into a completely different one, by natural or supernatural means.”<o:p></o:p></span></p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-58379177030776156322021-08-24T16:31:00.000-07:002021-08-24T16:31:49.116-07:00Love Is...First<p> </p><p class="MsoNormal">I <a href="https://wildtreeadventures.com/2020/04/22/hugging-trees-is-good-for-us-and-the-trees/">hugged a tree today</a>, heartily…needfully to draw upon the
energy of its very sap. I acknowledged the sight of the tree in my eyes, and
reflected. This tree was born years before my own birth, and will be alive
years after my own death. I reflected upon my family tree. The storm thrashed
winds of time in crisis toss wild the branches. The roots hold steadfast.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtcXIIfRhclOtVWsajyYfMyctHtmLAC7qhF1nlK3E1XU-ByriGPltJLmN_-Zsoz5C4UUOX9CVFepH35qLG-ypWRMbZwT1lyo9C0_eK7v5EQxWsCvr-mUOGAB0Pop1HVjn4B0YFRfGvrYDV/s2048/20210824_154631.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtcXIIfRhclOtVWsajyYfMyctHtmLAC7qhF1nlK3E1XU-ByriGPltJLmN_-Zsoz5C4UUOX9CVFepH35qLG-ypWRMbZwT1lyo9C0_eK7v5EQxWsCvr-mUOGAB0Pop1HVjn4B0YFRfGvrYDV/w300-h400/20210824_154631.jpg" width="300" /></a></div><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I grounded myself today. I acknowledged sights, a kite, a
bench, a tree, a dog. I acknowledged the touch of the felt in my hat, the paper
in my hand, the grass, the leather. The sounds of the distant tractor, the wind
over my ear, the movement of tree branches, I acknowledged. The smell of
the grass, I acknowledged. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I felt the sting of the pang of need in me, and welcomed
its discomfort. I let it go, like dropping a ball. Repeatedly, I dropped the sting
of the pang until it diminished. It did diminish.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe_cqr2P1KhQ0mgL8Dt7VBXW4ruHNu93TRR8zL6-XMap0xAWkBgKQniJjUVDiV_npRoVxBsRYzZPORX7PryJ7mZrgRxAqltiqKJqcjyAkKrbb9WzJdc32V6sXwOUng5XZKmgqWyEZs2a5I/s2048/20210824_155409.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe_cqr2P1KhQ0mgL8Dt7VBXW4ruHNu93TRR8zL6-XMap0xAWkBgKQniJjUVDiV_npRoVxBsRYzZPORX7PryJ7mZrgRxAqltiqKJqcjyAkKrbb9WzJdc32V6sXwOUng5XZKmgqWyEZs2a5I/w300-h400/20210824_155409.jpg" width="300" /></a></div><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Where the pang hurt in my stomach, I caressed there with my
hand gently, whispering to myself “I love you Michael. Without condition, I love
you."<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Today I loved myself in Parque Paraiso.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I became equal, no better, no worse. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I fulfilled a prerequisite; I MUST <a href="https://www.elephantjournal.com/2019/11/heartbreak-is-a-real-awakening-james-ferrigno/?fbclid=IwAR2v2CdDuq6jXeAi2VkueDzFf0EjUf7iR-mJh5WZw2zjU">love myself first</a> before
I can truly love anybody else. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-33244338872921678272020-08-15T06:57:00.003-07:002020-08-15T07:47:02.223-07:00El espíritu de una forma rara de expresión<p>Para todos ustedes que les gusta el uso de palabras para escribir historias, artículos de opinión y composiciones, lo menos utilizado es palabras para la creación de poesía.</p><p>Sobre todo en nuestro mundo de comunicación inmediata, lo mas importante es el rapido pensamiento en casi todas las maneras. El reloj y las horas son nuestro dios, y al resultado veamos un mundo donde no hay casi nada suficiente espacio para reflexionar. Entonces nosotros estamos perdiendo los beneficios de la poesía. </p><p>Pues, ¿entonces cuales son esos beneficios? Pero ya un momento. Primero se debe sentir y mirar la belleza que existe en nuestro mundo. La belleza es tan importante en un mundo lleno de cosas feas.</p><p>Escribo poesía, y aunque muchos de mis poemas expresan el amor y la belleza del mundo, otros poemas fueron escritos para transformar lo feo que es belleza. Por ejemplo, hay obras espectaculares de pintura en lo que se crece o se nace afuera de heridas en el corazón. Muchas veces el resultado del arte no solo ven la terminación de como acaba la obra, sino también nosotros veamos una disminución del sufrimiento. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisrzGZfyA_CFxnrXtw-l6z29BsdP-v4Z9rm0c2TmrkcrBwY1jJd0YBPqP9sLud2TtZgr1t7RlXEk3MkBofpwC4xrfXt_0irwIBkwthPvnHu1N3tjKZwcLNqYHt24OAx-ZuDhMt7MmtZ9bp/s1267/20200814_142018+%25282%2529.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1267" data-original-width="738" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisrzGZfyA_CFxnrXtw-l6z29BsdP-v4Z9rm0c2TmrkcrBwY1jJd0YBPqP9sLud2TtZgr1t7RlXEk3MkBofpwC4xrfXt_0irwIBkwthPvnHu1N3tjKZwcLNqYHt24OAx-ZuDhMt7MmtZ9bp/s640/20200814_142018+%25282%2529.jpg" /></a></div><p>El arte para el creador es una forma de expresar el alivio de el dolor en su alma. Mientras los demás, ellos disfrutan la obra y suceso de un aumentativo de agradecimiento. </p><p>Me alegro cuando invierto mi tiempo para escribir un poema. Esto es como si estuviera un angelito en mi sentimiento ayudándome a encontrar las palabras adecuadas para expresar que salen de mi corazón. Cuando estoy inspirado en un poema olvido el tiempo. Pero es mas, es como no existieran las horas, los minutos y segundos. Hay solo inspiración para escribir. </p><p>Pero no existe poesía perfecta. Hay un lugar en la red conocido como<a href="https://allpoetry.com/"> ''Toda la Poesía''</a> adonde van los escritores de poesía y ellos nos ayudan con comentarios para mejorar nuestros poemas. </p><p>Mi meta es publicar el segundo libro de poesía para finales de este año. Los comentarios de otros escritores de poesía me servían de mucha ayuda para desarrollar de forma profesional este libro. Un libro que esta en proceso de diseno, de allí esta sale la expresión: ''Dos cerebros funcionan mejor que uno.'' </p><p>Aquí tiene un poema, el cual es parte <a href="https://www.amazon.com/s?k=Words%2C+Poems+of+pain%2C+love+and+redemption+by+Michael+Bell&i=stripbooks-intl-ship&ref=nb_sb_noss">del libro ya escrito.</a> </p><p><br /></p><p>La Frontera</p><p><br /></p><p>Escucha....la descontada</p><p>medida</p><p>la distante y cercana</p><p>medida</p><p><br /></p><p>Veo una medida pasada</p><p>sin contar</p><p>aun ahora</p><p>solo escucho....ahora</p><p>La cuenta descontrolada</p><p>y supero la medida</p><p><br /></p><p>Una pausa</p><p>esperando</p><p>que no me importe mas...</p><p>ya no...</p><p>antes de la frontera de Pasadena.....viviamos</p><p>una vida sin medida,</p><p>el últimos latido...</p><p><br /></p><p>La promesa</p><p>que creo</p><p>que el Dios de Israel abandono.</p><p><br /></p><p>Las lagrimas de mi madre se rompieron </p><p>sin ser vistas...la medida</p><p>de una gracia incontable.</p><p><br /></p><p>(Gracias a <a href="https://www.facebook.com/dora.samaniego.3">Dora Samaniego,</a> profesora de Español. En esta publicación de blog, ella corrigio mis errores gramaticales. Y gracias a <a href="https://www.facebook.com/monica.brito.522">Monica Brito</a>, profesora de Español. Ella hizo la traducción del poema por ingles al español)</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157136124270196359.post-8967487532161256742020-07-09T17:55:00.000-07:002020-07-09T17:55:20.744-07:00Por Practicar es de Mejorar<br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Miré
a los miembros de una orquesta de una gran ciudad del mundo. </b> </span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , "lucida grande" , sans-serif;">Qué
de importante tienen todos ellos? Todos de ellos practicarieron como
utilizar sus instrumentos musicales y practicar habitualmente. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , "lucida grande" , sans-serif;">Mi
padre siempre me digo que su pasión fue la música. El tocaba el
saxofón y canto. Yo recuerdo tan bien como el practicaba en la sala de
nuestra casa. Y por esa razón mi padre fue extraordinario con el
saxofón. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , "lucida grande" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5UIh-_wLoCSc_qoc0CwaAx5GcUduPkGlRoUtVoTGLYKkKYxOFbUUVL_aSFRYwS0r960a8KSoGv0_JsMrr4ivA3_9CgoxzP8SwBrqr1e8pmpM7eXm47GRbNLZwHTp_5JV8FcLdek0edGqI/s1600/New_1_Dadpic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="791" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5UIh-_wLoCSc_qoc0CwaAx5GcUduPkGlRoUtVoTGLYKkKYxOFbUUVL_aSFRYwS0r960a8KSoGv0_JsMrr4ivA3_9CgoxzP8SwBrqr1e8pmpM7eXm47GRbNLZwHTp_5JV8FcLdek0edGqI/s640/New_1_Dadpic.jpg" width="315" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mi padre, Clyde Bell, esta cantando por los soldados<br /> americanos durante el Guerra Segunda Mundial</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , "lucida grande" , sans-serif;">Durante
la Segunda Guerra Mundial, algunos lideres de posición superior del
ejercito de los Estados Unidos trataban de encontrar a los mejores
músicos del ejercito para formar una banda y de esa forma entretener
a los soldados. </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , "lucida grande" , sans-serif;">Mi
padre fue elegido para formar parte de esa banda. La unidad del
ejercito a partir del cual fue enviado para combatir contra los
japoneses. Y un ochenta por ciento de esos soldados murieron en las
batallas siguientes en el Pacifico.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , "lucida grande" , sans-serif;">Tengo
un otro ejemplo del beneficio de práctica</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , "lucida grande" , sans-serif;">Cuando
yo fui muchacho, recuerdo que mi deporte favorito fue el béisbol. El
nombre se llamaba <a href="https://es.qwe.wiki/wiki/Little_League_Baseball">Liga Pequeña,</a> una institución deportiva muy
popular en los Estados Unidos. Esta liga era solo para niños de
entre once o doce años de edad. </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , "lucida grande" , sans-serif;">Mis
compañeros de equipo, particularmente no fueron buenos jugadores
cuando empezamos a jugar. Pero nosotros afortunadamente tuvimos un
excelente entrenador. El nos dio como obligación a nosotros
practicar cinco días a la semana, por dos horas cada día después
de la ultima clase de la escuela.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , "lucida grande" , sans-serif;">Cuando
el lanzaba la pelota hacia nosotros, no lo hizo lentamente, sino de
una forma verdadera y muy rápida como si fuera un juego real. Lo
hizo constantemente a veces después o en seguida nuestro entrenador
pateaba la pelota contra nosotros. El formó un equipo de jugadores
sin mucho talento, pero mediante el entrenamiento este llegó a ser
uno de los equipos que gano una medalla en la liga. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , "lucida grande" , sans-serif;">La
vía a este resultado fue la dedicación de practicar.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , "lucida grande" , sans-serif;">No
es fácil practicar cada día o todos los días. Algunos días nos
sentimos cansados mas de lo usual. Otros días hay casos en las que
bloquea el tiempo libre para practicar. </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , "lucida grande" , sans-serif;">Pero
al mismo tiempo es necesario practicar mediante un plan para llegar
al nivel máximo. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "segoe ui" , "helvetica" , "arial" , "lucida grande" , sans-serif;">Personalmente
para mi criterio, necesito practicar una y otra vez de forma
continua. Necesito ver un progreso de los conocimientos, un aumento o
una suma que me diga si estoy caminando por la ruta de mejorar. Y
verdaderamente necesito cultivar las características que una persona
toma con disciplina las actividades a aprender. </span></span></div>
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<br />Michael Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07623356188297456473noreply@blogger.com0