Being Done With the Three Years

 Cut off. No more. No explanations. No more Sex and Porn Addicts Anonymous. (SPAA) Finished! No more counting the dirty thoughts.

I am not free of the addiction to sex and pornography. I realize what will happen to me if I indulge. I will descend into a tortured state. Go on a binge. I yearned for an ejaculation episode thirty minutes ago. Instead I bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked. 

I didn't rely on my Higher Power to relieve the urge, neither to sex out or to smoke. I could have but I didn't. I want to justify this lack of faith, and I understand the why of that is because my ego is defending its turf. It's the original sin of pride.

But I will pray before going to bed, as I will pray in the morning upon wakening. And the transcendent love of my God in Three Persons will sustain me for another twenty four hours. No matter what I do, as long as that union with my Higher Power, as long as that relationship is developed, as long as I do not reject Him, He is with me teaching me that all I need is within reach through Him.

I am free now in a way never before felt on account of quitting SPAA. Doing so has put the addiction face to face inside my being.

For example, almost all actions of recovery I took in SPAA I took not for the doing so of the actions, but for recovery. Now I pray for the sake of praying. Now I do step work not for recovery but for the sake of self investigation. I do it because it's hard. I do it because I don't want to do it. I do it to become whole. 

I regularly go to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting and Al-Anon meetings because I need connection with people who understand. I need to understand and be understood. 

I'm stopping now. Take what you like and leave the rest. 




  

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